i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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