4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
