I can tuck mytits in my pants
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
