I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
