Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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