he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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