So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
