Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
