before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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