Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
