All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
