Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
