You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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