Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
