I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
