I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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