..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found puke in my bra..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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