a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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