Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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