my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
how drunk are you?
Several
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
