walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
