goodnight i made you a song goodbye
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
