i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
