Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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