So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
