i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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