She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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