Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
