Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
