can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
