Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He passed out mid-signature
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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