I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
lets start a swedish sibling band together
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think my moral compass just broke
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