not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
