i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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