Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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