gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think my moral compass just broke
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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