i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
