No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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