My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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