I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
