White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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