I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
