I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
