between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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