Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Too much gin, very little bucket
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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