all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
