I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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