Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
