My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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