So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
