im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
