it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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