why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
