ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
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