I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
