I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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