Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
