sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My ass is underappreciated
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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